喜剧中心丁日吐槽大会段子精选

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昨晚,喜剧中心录制了2015年喜剧界春晚:喜剧中心丁日吐槽大会。

节目将于美国时间3月30日播出。下面是吐槽大会段子精选。

总体的风格黄暴三俗没下限。用Jeff Ross的话说就是:“如果丁日年纪再小一点,这节目就该算虐童了。”

主持人Kevin Hart的段子

Bieber has 10 million fans—most are in middle school or staying 500 feet away from one. 丁日有千万粉丝— 其中大部分在上初中,或者被禁止进入初中500英尺以内。【吐槽丁日粉是猥琐大叔】

He has the voice and the driving skills of Stevie Wonder. 丁日拥有Stevie Wonder一般的嗓音和驾驶技术。【Stevie Wonder是盲人,此处吐槽丁日因开车闯的各种祸】

Orlando Bloom took a swing at you; you have a perfume called Girlfriend; you threw eggs at a house – not gangsta. 奥兰多布鲁姆揍过你;你卖的香水起名叫女朋友;你还拿鸡蛋砸邻居家— 一点都不匪帮啊。【最后一句吐槽丁日总想装黑人装匪帮】

饶舌明星Ludacris吐槽丁日

A feud with One Direction? That’s like a fight between don’t-care and who-gives-a-shit.跟One Direction撕逼?这是一场“爱咋地咋地”和“谁特么关心啊”之间的战争。

You act so much like a pussy. Ellen tried to eat you.你表现的太怂逼,连艾伦都想吃你了。 【pussy双关】

Justin Bieber wants to be black so bad, he’s actually seen Kevin Hart’s movies in theaters. 丁日真是太想当黑人了,他竟然会跑到电影院看凯文哈特的片子。

家政女王Martha Stewart的吐槽

Sixty million Twitter followers? The only place people will be following you in jail is into the shower.六千万粉丝追随你?在监狱里,你唯一会被人追随的地方就是洗澡间。

You need to settle down, bring some balance into your life. Find yourself the right gal, but she’s going to have to really special, someone on your level, someone powerful and famous and rich. Someone you can smoke a joint with or engage in the occasional three-way. I’m talking about a player in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom. 你需要安定下来,给生活找点平衡。找个合适的女人,她必须得非常特别,得跟你门当户对,得强势、出名、有钱。得是能跟你一起飞叶子一起玩3P。在会议室里谈笑风生,在卧室里玩命发疯的女人。

So, Justin, my final piece of advice is, call me. 所以,丁日,我最后的一条忠告就是,约我吧。

狗爷吐槽丁日

You bought a monkey! I mean, that monkey was more embarrassed than the one that started the AIDS epidemic. 你买了只猴子!我说,感觉那猴子得比最早传播艾滋病的那只猴子还丢人。

当晚大鲨鱼奥尼尔表现亮眼

Justin is worth $200 million, and in prison, that’s worth four packs of Kool.丁日身价两个亿,这在监狱里够买四包烟了。

…his hair is like a gay figure skater.他的发型像基佬花样滑冰选手。

Last year, you were ranked the fifth most-hated person of all time. Kim Jong-Un didn’t rank that low. And he uses your music to torture people. 去年,你在“史上最让人讨厌的人物”榜单上仅排名第五。金正恩都没排过那么低。他可是拿你的音乐折磨犯人的家伙啊。

当然最精彩的段子还是出自吐槽天王Jeff Ross

Martha Stewart, I want to fuck you so bad, I bet your pubic hair is 50 shades of gray.玛莎斯图尔特我太想操你了,我猜你的阴毛一定是五十度灰。

Shaq was the original 2 Chainz because that’s how he was brought into the country. 大鲨鱼是“二链子”最早的成员,因为他当年就是这么被带到我国的。

Shaq’s dick is so big, he uses it as a selfie stick.大鲨鱼的鸡鸡太大了,他平时都拿鸡鸡当自拍杆用。

Is that Kevin Hart or did Shaq take a shit? 那位是凯文哈特还是大鲨鱼拉的屎啊? 【吐槽Kevin Hart格子矮】

Justin, you are the King Joffrey of Pop. 丁日,你是流行音乐之乔大帝啊!

【丁日粉称丁日可以媲美King of Pop流行音乐之王杰克逊】

Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now. 割麦子今天来不了, 因为她如今约的都是汉子了。

It is true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you?你甩了割麦子是不是因为她比你先长出胡子啊?

Selena Gomez had sex with you proving Mexicans will do the disgusting jobs Americans won’t do.割麦子跟你嘿咻这事证明了墨西哥人愿意干美国人不爱干的恶心工作。

If Anne Frank had heard your music, she would’ve Uber’d to Auschwitz. 如果安妮弗兰克听了你的音乐,她会自己叫个Uber专车直奔奥斯维辛。

Justin, you have such a huge career…behind you.丁日,你那辉煌伟大的事业啊…已经过去了。

他还吐槽了玛莎斯图尔特的年龄

Martha is so old, her first period was the Renaissance. A lot of people are upset that Justin hasn’t won a Grammy. There is Martha Stewart. She can be your grammy.玛莎太老,她初次月事来潮是文艺复兴大潮。许多人因为丁日没能拿到格莱美而郁闷。这事去找玛莎斯图尔特啊,她可以做你的格莱奶。【period双关,grammy也是奶奶的意思】

威尔法瑞尔扮成Ron Burgundy出场

I always encouraged people to stay classy. And what’s more classy than hanging out with Floyd Mayweather?–我总是鼓励人们要保持逼格。还有什么比跟小福五月天混在一起更有逼格的呢?【五月天是拳击手,是丁日好基友】

Natasha Legerro的段子也够黑

Justin’s fan are called beliebers because it’s politically incorrect to use the word retards.” 丁日粉被称为比裂帛是因为叫人弱智是政治不正确的。

Kevin, you are everywhere. He is going to be on the next season of Game of Thrones. He’s going to play Peter Dinklage’s shadow. 凯文你无处不在啊。他将在下一季的《权力的游戏》里出现,扮演小恶魔的影子。【黑,矮】

There’s even a wax figure of Justin in Madame Tussauds in London. I’ve seen it, he’s face down in a wax Usher’s lap.伦敦的杜莎夫人蜡像馆里有丁日的蜡像。我看过,他脸朝下趴在Usher的膝盖上。

Pete Davidson吐槽丁日之余还黑了Jeff Ross

My castmate on SNL, Kate McKinnon, does a perfect impression of Justin. Right down to the clit.我在SNL的同事Kate姐扮演的丁日简直惟妙惟肖,从头到[哔]一模一样。

You look like someone put Seth Rogen in the microwave.你长得像被微波炉烤过的赛胖。

You gotta give it up for Justin. He started from the bottom and he’s still a bottom. 不佩服丁日不行啊,他白手起家,如今还是个白受。【bottom双关】

笑星Hannibal Buress也吐槽了Jeff Ross

Jeff Ross, you’re the only person on this dais making 95 percent of your yearly income tonight. Jeff Ross,台上只有你是靠今晚赚出年收入的95%。【每年唯一的露脸机会】

丁日最后的反击

Kevin Hart is so short, he calls Lil Wayne, Wayne.凯文哈特太矮了,矮得管小伟叫阿伟。

Kevin Hart’s career plan? Do everything Martin Laurence did only shittier.凯文哈特的职业计划就是抄袭马丁劳伦斯,只是干得更烂一些罢了。

What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours. 如果你未成年时就赚到两个亿会怎么样?会有一群过气明星花两个小时狂喷你是拉拉。

Martha Stewart: Thanks for coming. I’ll bet that’s something you don’t’ do much of anymore. 玛莎斯图尔特感谢你能光临。我猜如今没啥人光临你了吧。【come三俗谐音】

节目将于美国时间3月30日在喜剧中心播出。正好是中国时间的愚人节。

我会第一时间制作发布熟肉的。么么扎!

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