白宫记者协会晚宴2014 (及英文稿)

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视频一:

【开场恶搞视频】假副总统Meyer和真副总统拜登私闯白宫偷吃冰淇淋被人抓包;又跑到《华盛顿邮报》总编室乱编新闻各种自嗨;顺手还黑了《纸牌屋》的Spacey;最后纹身明志,冲击总统宝座。 友情客串:副总统,第一夫人,前任议长,现任议长。

视频二:

【段子手奥巴马】一年一度的WHCD不仅是各路媒体欢聚一堂的盛宴,也是被媒体吐槽了整年的总统报仇雪恨的机会。今年晚宴上,奥巴马先自嘲了医保网站、支持率和NSA等糗事,然后对着CNN,MSNBC和FOX News挨个开火,又把保守派大佬们黑了个遍。

奥巴马演讲英文稿(washingtonpost)

Thank You. Thank you so much.Thank you very much. Thank you. Everyone, please have a seat. Have a seat.

Before I get started, can we getthe new presidential set up out here? [Laughter] It has worked before.[Laughter] That is more like it.

It is great to be back. What ayear, huh? I usually start these dinners with a few self-deprecating jokes.After my stellar 2013, what can I possibly talk about? [Laughter]

I admit it — last year was rough.Sheesh. [Laughter]

At one point, things got so bad,the 47 percent called Mitt Romney to apologize. [Laughter]

Of course, we rolled outHealthcare.gov. That could have gone better. [Laughter]

In 2008, my slogan was “Yes, wecan.” In 2013, my slogan was “Control, alt, delete.” [Laughter]

On the plus side, they did turnthe launch of Healthcare.gov into one of the year’ s biggest movies. [Laughter]But rather than dwell on the past, I would like to pivot to this dinner.

Let’s welcome our headliner thisevening, Joel McHale. [Applause] On “Community,” Joel plays a preening,self-obsessed narcissist, so this dinner must be a real change of pace for you.[Laughter] I want to thank the White House Correspondents Association forhosting us here tonight. I am happy to be here, even though I am a littlejet-lagged from my trip to Malaysia. The lengths we have to go to to get CNNcoverage these days. [Laughter] [applause]

I think they are still searchingfor their tables. [Laughter] [applause]

MSNBC is here. [Applause] Theyare a little overwhelmed. They’ve never seen an audience this big before.[Laughter]

Look, everyone is trying to keepup with this incredibly fast-changing media landscape. For example, I got a lotof grief on cable news for promoting Obamacare to young people on “Between TwoFerns.” But that’s what young people like to watch. And to be fair, I am notthe first person on television between two potted plants. [Laughter] [applause]

Sometimes I do feel disrespectedby you reporters. But that’s OK. Seattle Seahawks’ cornerback Richard Shermanis here tonight, and he gave me some great tips on how to handle it. JakeTapper, don’t you ever talk about me like that! I am the best president in thegame! What do you think, Richard, was that good? [Laughter] A little more feelingnext time. [Laughter]

While we are talking sports, justlast month, a wonderful story. An American won the Boston Marathon for thefirst time in 30 years. [Applause] Which was inspiring and only fair since aKenyan has been president for the last six. We have to even things out.

We have some other athletes heretonight, including Olympic snowboarding gold medalist Jamie Anderson is here.We are proud of her. Incredibly talented young lady. Michelle and I watch theOlympics, we cannot believe what these folks do. Death-defying feats. Wehaven’t seen somebody pull a 180 that fast since Rand Paul disinvitied thatdisgruntled rancher from this dinner. [laughter]

As a general rule, things don’tend well if the sentence starts, “Let me tell you something I know about thenegro.” You don’t really need to hear the rest of it. [Laughter] Just a tip foryou. Don’ t start your sentence that way. [Laughter]

Speaking of Rand Paul, —[laughter] Colorado legalized marijuana this year. An interesting social experiment.I do hope it does not lead to a bunch of paranoid people who think the federalgovernment is out to get them and listening to their phone calls. [Laughter]That would be a problem. [Laughter]

And speaking of conservativeheroes, the Koch brothers bought a table here tonight. But they used a shadowyright-wing organization as a front. Hello, Fox News. [Laughter] [applause] I’mjust kidding. Let’s face it, Fox, you’ l miss me when I’ m gone. [Laughter] Itwill be harder to convince the American people that Hillary was born in Kenya.[Laughter] [applause]

A lot of us really are concernedabout the way that money is influencing our politics. I remember when a superpack with me was buying Marlboro 100s instead of regulars. [Laughter] Ofcourse, now that it is 2014, Washington is obsessed on the midterms. Folks aresaying that with my sagging poll numbers, my fellow democrats don’t really wantme campaigning with them. I don’t think that is true, although I did notice theother day that Sasha needed a speaker at career day and she invited BillClinton. [Laughter] I was a little hurt by that.

Both sides are doing whatever ittakes to win. The ruthless game. Republicans — this is a true story.Republicans actually brought in a group consultant to teach their candidateshow to speak to women. This is true. I don’t know if it’ll work for women, butI understand America’s teenage boys are signing up to run for the Senate indroves. [Laughter] [applause]

Anyway, while you guys focus onthe horse race, I’m going to do what I do. I will be focused on everydayAmericans. Just yesterday I read a heartbreaking letter. I get letters fromfolks around the country every day. I get 10 that I read. This one got me. AVirginia man who’s been stuck in the same part-time job for years. No respectfrom his boss. There was no chance to get ahead. I really wish Eric Cantorwould stop writing me. You can just pick up the phone, Eric. [Laughter][applause]

I am feeling sorry, believe itand not, for the Speaker of the House. These days, the House Republicans giveJohn Boehner a harder time than they give me. Which means orange really is thenew black. [Laughter] [applause]

But I have not given up the ideaof working with Congress. In fact, two weeks ago, Senator Ted Cruz and I, wegot a bill done together and I have to say the signing ceremony was somethingspecial. We got a picture of it I think. [Laughter]

Look, I know. Washington seemsmore dysfunctional than ever. Gridlock has gotten so bad in this town, you haveto wonder what did we do to piss off Chris Christie so bad? [Laughter]

One issue, for example, wehaven’t been able to agree on is unemployment insurance. Republicans continueto refuse to extend it. You know what, I am beginning to think they have apoint. If you don’t want to get paid while not working, you should have to runfor Congress just like everybody else. [Laughter] [applause]

There is one thing that keepsRepublicans busy. They have tried more than 50 times to repeal Obamacare.Despite that, 8 million people signed up for healthcare in the first openenrollment. [Applause] Which does lead one to ask, how well does Obamacare haveto work before you don’t want to repeal it? What if everyone’s cholesteroldrops to 120? What if your yearly checkup came with tickets to a Clippers’game? Not the old Donald Sterling Clippers, the new Oprah Clippers. What if itgave Mitch McConnell a pulse? What is it going to take?

Anyway, this year I have promisedto use more executive actions to get things done without Congress. My criticscall this the imperial presidency. Truth is I just show up every day at myoffice and do my job. We have a picture of this, I think? [Laughter] [applause]

You would think they wouldappreciate a more assertive approach, considering that the new conservativedarling is non other than Vladimir Putin. Last year, Pat Buchanan said Putin’sheaded straight for the Nobel Peace Prize. He said this. Now I know it soundscrazy but to be fair they give those to just about anybody these days. It couldhappen. [Laughter] [applause]

But it’s not just Pat, RudyGiuliani said, “Putin is what you would call a leader. Mike Huckabee and ShawnHannity keep talking about his bare chest, which is kind of weird. [Laughter][applause] Look it up. They talk about it a lot. [Laughter]

It is strange to think that Ihave just two and a half years left in this office. Everywhere I look there arereminders that I only hold this job temporarily. [Laughter] But, it is a longtime between now and 2016. And anything can happen. You may have heard theother day that Hillary had to dodge a flying shoe at a press conference.[Laughter]

I love that picture.

Regardless of what happens, I’verun my last campaign. I’m beginning to think about my legacy. Some of you knowthat Mayor Rahm Emanuel recently announced that he’s naming a high school afterme in Chicago. I was even more flattered to hear that Rick Perry, who is heretonight, is doing the same thing in Texas. Take a look. [Laughter] Thank you,Rick. It means a lot to me.

I intend to enjoy all the freetime that I will have. George W. Bush took up painting after he left office. Itinspired me to take up own artistic side. I am sure we have a shot of this.Maybe not. The joke does not work without the slide. [Laughter] Oh well. Assumethat it was funny. [Laughter] Does this happen to you Joel? It does, OK.

On a serious note, tonightreminds us that we are lucky to live in a country where reporters can give ahead of state a hard time on a daily basis. And once a year give him or her thechance at least to return the favor. We also know that not every journalist orphotographer or crew member is so fortunate. Even as we celebrate the freepress tonight, our thoughts are with those in places around the globe likeUkraine and Afghanistan and Syria and Egypt. People who risk everything. Insome cases even give their lives to report the news. And what tonight alsoreminds us is that the fight for full and fair access goes beyond the chance toask a question.

As Steve mentioned, decades agoan African-American who wanted to cover his or her president might be barredfrom journalism school. Burdened by Jim Crow. And once in Washington bannedfrom press conferences. After years of effort, black editors and publishersbegan meeting with FDR’s press secretary, Steve Irving(此处应为Stephen Early). Theymet with the president himself, who declared that a black reporter would get acredential. Even when Harry McAlpin made history as the first African-Americanto attend a presidential news conference, he was not always welcomed by theother reporters. But he was welcomed by the president, who told him, “I’m gladto see you McAlpin.” I’m very happy to have you here.” Now that sentiment mighthave worn off once Harry asked him a question or two. And Harry’s battlescontinued, but he made history. We are so proud of Sherman and his family forbeing here tonight and the White House Correspondents Association for creatingthe scholarship in Harry’s name. [Applause] For over 100 years, even as theWhite House Correspondents Association has told the story of America’sprogress, you’ve lived it too. Gradually allowing equal access to women,minorities, gays and Smericans with disabilities. Yes, radio and television andInternet reporters as well. Through it all you’ve helped make sure that even associeties change, our fundamental commitment to the interaction between thosewho govern and those who ask questions doesn’t change. And as Jay will attest,it’s a legacy that you carry on enthusiastically every single day. Because thisis the 100th anniversary of the Correspondents Association, I actually recordedan additional brief video thanking you for all your hard work. Can we run thevideo?

What is going on? I was told thiswould work. Does anybody know how to fix this? Thank you. [Laughter] Do youhave it?

Kathleen Sebelius: I got this. Isee it all the time. There. That should work.

Congratulations to the WhiteHouse Correspondents. Here is to 100 more years.

Thank you very much, everybody..Bless you. [Applause] [laughter] [laughter] [applause]

One comment on “白宫记者协会晚宴2014 (及英文稿)

  1. […] P.P.S.喜欢看奥巴马说段子的还可以到我围脖去搜WHCD或者白宫记者协会晚宴。 […]